性香禪師在「 生與死 」這場講座上，與大家分享她作為善終服務護士時的一些體驗，從中說明佛教對生死的教導，目的都是希望我們能覺醒。
我很幸運，因為我是一位善終服務的護士，所以我有很多故事分享。是否所有人都知道什麼是善終服務？
我記得在我十一歲的時候，我發高燒，病得很嚴重，當時我有一個很強的幻覺，覺得自己好像離開了身體，去了很遠很遠的天空上面，從一處黑暗的空間裏看到地球。當時還沒有人造衞星從月球拍攝地球的照片，我看到地球比這些照片還要早。當時我非常害怕。我相信那是我一生人中最驚慌和感覺很孤獨的一次。這次經歷之後，我很害怕死亡，就好像我手臂上有一根刺，正在發炎和腫了起來。不過，當我回望，其實我害怕死亡是一件好事，因為我生起了很多疑情。我記得我曾問我媽媽怎樣才可以不老，我說我不想老！我媽媽是一個很有趣和很實際的人，當我問她怎樣才不會老，她叫我衝向一輛貨車前面！我便對她說：「謝謝你的教導！」 所以，我決定最好不要這樣做！
我一直都很想成為一位護士，所以我報讀了護士學校。在學校裏我看到很多痛苦，使我對死亡有更大的疑情。在護士學校裏發生了很多事情，我想與你們分享最奇怪的一件事。
我在深切治療部有三個月的實習課程，我被安排去照顧一名男子，他患有肝漿膜病，而且快要死了。他曾在越南當外交官，很喜歡飲酒。其實他很聰明，當我早上見他的時候，他的頭腦是很清晰的。我的工作是要幫他把腹部的液體抽出來，然後換一些新鮮的液體進去，就好像一個人造腎臟一樣。基本上他是沒有腎臟的，而且病得非常嚴重，如果不是在深切治療部，他早已經死了。
當吃過午飯不久，他便離世了。因為這是深切治療部，我的工作就是要跑到外面大叫“Code Blue, Code Blue”，於是他們帶來生命復甦器將他救回來。拯救了大約三分鐘，他便甦醒過來，然後開始說話，好像沒有發生任何事一樣！只是一些 閒談。當時我只有十九歲，我問他在這三分鐘裏有沒有什麼體驗？有什麼事情發生嗎？在他回答我之前，他又再次死了！於是我又跑出去大叫“Code Blue, Code Blue”，他們再回來拯救他，他又再一次甦醒過來，又再次跟我閒談，這使我有很大的疑惑。我覺得死亡真的很特別，但對他來說就好像一個雞尾酒會一樣！之後，他又再一次死去，今次我再沒有叫“Code Blue, Code Blue”，我只是吸氣呼氣，然後讓他走。有時，醫學真的很瘋癲。
剛才法師們也講過，死要死得有尊嚴，不要在醫院裏死，但懼怕死亡卻是很好的。
有一個很好的禪故事，是關於一個人被吊在懸崖邊，只是用一隻手捉着這條繩，而懸崖上有一隻老鼠在咬這條繩，在咬這條生命的繩！在懸崖下面有一隻老虎，一隻很飢餓的老虎！這是一個非常困難的處境，也是我們的處境。在這個故事裏面，你面前有一個很大很亮麗的士多啤梨，你向前咬了這個士多啤梨：「啊，真的很好味！」其實，在我們的人生裏，我們知道有老鼠在咬我們的繩，亦知道下面有一隻很飢餓的老虎在等着要吃我們，但我們能否察覺在面前有這美味的士多啤梨呢？這就是禪教導我們要覺醒！當然，我們知道生命是無常的，但看看這個士多啤梨！就如剛才法師們所講，我們四周都是士多啤梨，所有導師，以及所有的機會，都是希望我們能夠覺醒。
有一個很好的故事，當佛陀涅槃的時候，他臥在棺材內，他所有弟子都圍着他，當然每一位弟子都非常傷心。佛陀太早涅槃了，他的年紀並不太大。「為什麼你要離開我們？」雖然他們是佛陀的弟子，他們也很驚訝。佛陀的教法是不生不滅，他的教法是依法不依人的，但他們依然在哭。其中有一位弟子，大迦葉尊者卻沒有哭。大迦葉尊者很輕鬆和很開心似的，有人便問他：「你師父死了，為什麼你沒有哭？」當時，佛自椁中出示雙足，這是佛陀臨走前最後的教法。
這個故事很好，它再次提醒我們是無生和無死的，只不過我們都在忙自己的事情，就如法師們所講，我們每天起來，做同樣的事情，吃早餐，然後上班，之後很疲倦便睡覺，日日如是。大迦葉尊者可以在這裏給我們二十分鐘的開示，但當我們回家後，又如常地過着我們的生活！所以，找一位良師和佛法是非常重要的。
可能你聽完這個講座後沒有任何得着，我有一個建議，你明天早上起床的時候，你可以坐在床邊或一張椅上，雙腳放在地上，然後慢慢的吸氣和呼氣。就如兩位法師所講，問自己：「 我是誰？」「今天最重要的事情是什麼？」在佛教，我們說要發願，要有一個方向。你可以問自己：「我的願是什麼？ 我的方向是什麼？」可能只是三個呼吸，吸 入清明心，呼出不知，只是很靜地呼出，沒有任何 的意念，當意念起時已經是一個掛礙。容許自己在呼氣的時候沒有任何意念，只問自己：「我的願是什麼？我的方向是什麼？」只是一個很長的呼氣，容許自己去感受這個呼氣。
當我做善終護士的時候，我真的覺得較在深切治療部更好，因為我可以真正聆聽他們的呼吸，同時我也感到很榮幸能有這個機會陪伴他們呼最後的 一口氣。但很奇怪的是，我們卻活像死人一般！ 所以，如果我們沒有修持，當我們年紀越大，能量會越少，不夠氣，到了年老或步近死亡的時候才去修持是很困難的。而大部分我見過的人，在他們臨終前都沒有很明確的修持，從來沒有參加這種講座，也沒有聽聞佛法。
I am lucky because I am a hospice nurse so I have many stories. Does everybody know what hospice is?
When I was eleven, I had a very high fever and was very sick. So, during this high fever, I had a very strong hallucination. I felt like I left my body and I went way, way up into the sky. And I saw the earth from a very black space. This was before the satellite, this photograph taken from the moon. I saw this earth before that photograph and I was very, very frightened. The most frighten that I have never had in my life and I felt completely alone. So after that dream, I was always very afraid of dying. It was like carrying the splintering in my arm, it was infected and very sore. But now I look back, it’d been a wonderful thing to be afraid of dying. I have a lot of questions after that. I actually asked my mother how can I just not get old, I don’t want to get old! My mother was a very interesting person and she was very matter of fact. So I asked her: “How can I not get old?” She said: “Go and run in front of a truck!” And I said: “ Thank you for your teaching!!” I decided I’d better not do that.
I always wanted to be a nurse, so I went to nursing school, of course. I saw so muchsuffering in nursing school. That gave me an even bigger question about death. A lot of things happened in nursing school, but I will tell you the strangest thing that happened.
I was doing a three months program in the intensive care, and I was given an assignment to take care of this man all day long. He was dying of serosa of the liver. He had been a diplomat in Vietnam and he was a very heavy drinker. Actually he was very intelligent and when I was with him at the beginning of the day, he was very clear. And my checkup was he was having diagnosis, he was having the fluid drained from his abdomen and we put fresh fluid in, and then we drained that. It was liked an artificial kidney. So he really has no kidney and he was very, very sick. He’d been dead if he was not in intensive care.
Soon after lunch I was with him, and he died. But this was intensive care, so my job was to run out to the hall and say: “Code Blue, Code Blue”. Screamed thatreally loud. So they ran in with the resuscitation cart and they brought him back to life. Maybe he wasn’t breathing for three minutes and then he was awake again and started just talking to me normally liked he had been before!! Just small talks. At that time I was just 19 years old and I asked him: “didn’t you experience something in that three minutes? Didn’t something happen?” Before he can answered me, he died again!! Then I went out to the hall and called: “Code Blue! Code Blue”. Then they came back and he was awake again! Again, more small talks. And this gave me a huge question!! I thought dying was special. For him, it was like a cocktail party!! Then he died again! This time I didn’t call “Code Blue”. I just breathe in and out and just let him go. Sometimes medicine is very crazy.
So as Sunim was talking about death with dignity, not inside the hospital. But the fear of death is a very good thing.
There is a wonderful Zen story about hanging over a cliff, hanging by a rope over the cliff and you are holding onto the rope with your hands. Upon the cliff there is a rat chewing the rope, eating your life rope; at the bottom of the cliff there is a tiger, a very hungry tiger!! That’s a kind of difficult situation, that’s our situation. In the story, there is right by your face a very bright, very large strawberry. So you just go over and take a bite of the strawberry. “Ah, very good taste!!” So our whole life, we can be aware of this rat eating our rope, be aware of the tiger waiting for us below. Can we be aware of that strawberry right next to our face?? That is what Zen asks us to wake up! Of course, to realized that life is impermanent, but also to see that strawberry!! And as both the Sunims have already said that we are all surrounded by strawberries, all these teachers, all these opportunities to wake up.
There is a wonderful story. When the Buddha died, he was lying in the coffin. All his disciples were surrounded him, and of course most of them were very sad. Buddha died a little young, not so old. “Why did you leave us?” Even though they were disciples of the Shakyamuni Buddha, he already told them there is no life and no death, this teaching is not dependent on a person, still they are crying. But one disciple was not crying, Mahākāśyapa wasn’t crying. Some people said: “your teacher died, why?” Mahākāśyapa was very relaxed and actually he was very happy. Then the Buddha at that time just sent his dead body to kick his foot at the bottom of the coffin. One more teaching before he left.
Again, that is a great story. Oh, there is no life and death and we get reminded again that there is really no life and no death. But we are stuck with ourselves, we wake up in the morning and, just liked the Sunims said, we have our breakfast, go to work, we are tired and we go to sleep day after day. Mahākāśyapa can be sitting here talking to us for 20 minutes, but when we go home and again we go back to our ordinary life. That’s why it is so important to find a teacher, to find the teaching.
I have a suggestion, even if you get nothing or not too much from this talk, tomorrow morning when you wake up, just sit on the edge of the bed or sit on a chair, put your feet on the ground, then breathe in slowly and breathe out slowly. Again, just liked both of the sunims said today, ask yourself “What am I?” “Today what is the most important thing? ”
In Buddhism we talked about having a vow, having a direction. So you might just ask yourself “What is my vow? What is my direction?” Or maybe only three breaths, breathe in “clear mind”, breathe out “don’t know”. Just breathe out a quiet exhalation, no idea; having an idea is a hindrance. So allow yourself not to have an idea on your exhalation, so what is my vow and what is my direction? Then just a long exhalation, really no idea, just allow yourself to feel that exhalation.
When I became a hospice nurse, I really thought that it would be better than in the intensive care. I would really be with some people that were breathing in breathing out; and I would really have the honour, really the privileged to be with someone as they had their last exhalation. But it is an amazing thing that we died as we live. So really, if we don’t have a practice, as we grow older we have less energy, less “qi”. So it is very hard to pick up a clear practice when you are aging and when you are getting close to death. And most people that I have met, they have no intention to pick up a clear practice before they died. They never came to a lecture like this, they never heard about Buddhism.